I feel like a lot of the posts I write on here are all, “Rah, rah, you can do anything! Just give it a try! I did and it was great!” I suspect to anyone not interested in working out or trying gluten free mac and cheese, I can be annoying as hell. But I do believe these are great sentiments. I’m a big proponent of trying new things because truly, you don’t know until you try, right?
Sometimes, though, in the spirit of being positive, I gloss over the misses and failures. There are plenty, believe me. My fastest mile run, to date, is still over 13 minutes long. I ran a 5K over the summer at which one of the guys was running had not run or exercised in several years. He had been up drinking the night before, was relatively out of shape, and had eaten a giant breakfast. I had carefully prepared, been running for six months, cut off my alcohol consumption early the night before, and drank my super healthy protein shake for breakfast. He finished a full seven minutes faster than me. Disheartening, to say the least. Another example – I tried a Zumba class a couple of months ago. I have never in my life felt so awkward, uncoordinated, and sorry for myself as I did during that hour. You want to cheer yourself up? Watch me in a Zumba class. I went to the circus recently and there were elephants on roller skates that were significantly more graceful.
But I do keep trying. That being said, I tried two new things today that we shall never speak of again. The thought? I would like to trim up my midsection a bit – okay, a lot – and yes, I know, everyone says just keep doing planks because they’re the best thing for them. However, I hate planks with a white hot fury I didn’t know I possessed, so I’m up for about anything else. The result? Utter, complete failure.
Makes it look easy, doesn’t she? LIES.
So, the premise of this is relatively simple. Place your arms on the comfy padded arm rests, grip the handy hand grips, take your feet off of the steps, and lift your legs repeatedly. Sometimes in a sideways motion, if you want to get all fancy like this bitch.
Here’s how it went for me.
Hmm. Now that I’ve climbed up these step things, I can’t seem to turn around.
***awkwardly turning around, only slipping off of the steps once***
Okay. So these handy hand grips are a little further away from the back pad than I thought. Probably to make it easier to lean back when you pull your legs up.
So just take your feet off of the steps, already, and give it a shot, spaz.
HOLY FUCK! CAN YOUR ELBOWS ACTUALLY COLLAPSE?
I can’t even hold myself up – how do people move their legs?
Okay. That little tiny dude did it. You watched him. Surely you have more strength than him. Maybe lean back and try and swing them up?
I wonder how long I can stand here pretending to be in between sets before everyone realizes I’m a big fraud.
Try again. Maybe if you try one leg at a time?
Right. Everyone can do that, dumbass. You’re just standing on one foot. While supporting yourself with both arms.
I’m so super glad there’s a mirror right in front of me.
GET DOWN. GET DOWN RIGHT NOW.
Okay. So that didn’t work. Let’s try this other option, shall we?
Anyone can do this, right? MORE LIES!!!
Here’s how this goes.
Okay. Even I know I don’t want that much of an incline. I’ll just adjust it a bit so I’m not hanging upside down when I get tired.
Hmm, this knob doesnt seem to want to come out. I’ll just pull on it a little harder.
***Flying backwards onto my ass after it snaps out at me like a snake***
Right. It wasn’t graceful, but this seems like a manageable angle.
Maybe no one saw?
Of course everyone saw, asshole. You’re surrounded by mirrors.
Okay. Climb on up.
***Awkwardly attempting to bend myself into a pretzel***
Got it! Now, other leg.
Yes! Okay. Now, sit up!
Courtney. You have to do this.
Able to sit up, but does not work any muscles other than the horrified sector of my brain that caught a glimpse of this in the mirror.
WHY DID YOU LIE BACK DOWN? GET OFF OF THIS TORTURE CHAMBER AND STOP THIS MADNESS IMMEDIATELY.
Right. You’re going to have to either A)Yell for help while lying upside down in gym clothes and being suffocated by your own boobs or B) Die here.
Sit. UP. Do it now.
Summoning every single muscle in my body and every prayer that I’ve ever heard, I managed to get myself up far enough that I could untangle myself from the horror bench and limp, dejected, toward the door.
I guess planks aren’t so bad, after all?